I’m starting a new series called Daily Doodles which will be like...mh...yeah, I would say: a diary entry. I truly enjoy documenting my life. Always have , always will. I even had a blog when I was 14 just for myself so I guess that proves that I don’t care if 1000, 100 or no one reads this.
Anyway, this blog is made for students to show little budget friendly DIY hacks & fast but healthy meals for a wholesome student life &&& but I currently don’t have time / priority to perform this purpose. At the same time I don’t want this blog to be empty until I have found the groove to photograph skin care, diy & other projects so I invented DAILY DOODLES today. A short memoir of my day whenever I want to talk about it! So, Let’s begin:
We woke up at 4:30 this morning to pack our bags and drive to San Sebastian (this is our accommodation, 120 p.p for 3 nights ). During the drive I felt an old friend creeping up on me : Doubt. Let’s call him : Mr. Doubt. Mr. Doubt never walks side by side with me. Always behind me and sometimes, just sometimes I turn around to make sure he’s still there. He’s not evil, not made to scare me - he just makes sure I’m okay.
I’m rather a really intuitive person but like everyone else I have moments of doubt. When I don’t succeed at a medical skill I’m scared that medicine isn’t my calling. When I fight with my parents I doubt my usual calm personality. When I can’t seem to write a killer sentence I wonder if I’m actually good at writing.
& yes sometimes I doubt my relationship ( I have a podcast episode 'Gibt es the one?' about this in german). I know people are ashamed of doubting a realtionship because it would make the outside think that the realtionship they are in is toxic, bad and sustained for wrong reasons. But in my opinion this is not always true. For me this is a sign of protecting my own happiness.
I’m scared of commitment & growing up. Maybe this is because of my divorced parents, hormones or , hell, my zodiac sign?
It doesn’t matter why I am the way I am but what’s important here is my right of asking myself every now and than if I am happy with all of this or if just my fear of commitment is knocking at my soul.
The last couple of months I spent with Michael & my family ( of course we had small date nights but only for a couple of hours) so I am not used to „US“ time anymore. Relationships are work! It's like a well oiled machine in the beginning but times takes it's toll on it so it needs fixing. Sometimes it has to be thrown away but in my case- it just needs a good polish.
Good thing is : Michael is an angel. I can tell him everything.
So I told him : „Michael , I am scared of commitment sometimes. I was scared when you became my boyfriend and sometimes I’m even scared now. I still want all of this nevertheless.“
His answer: „ Mhh.. I was only scared that we don’t have anything to talk about the next couple of days after a 13h drive .“
I will never loose Mr. Doubt and I’m glad he checks in with me from time to time but I simply am a person who needs time alone, time with family & friends ( each by itself ) and I need to learn to not be scared of serious Realtionship stuff because I also like Michael & me time ( Long-distance just made me weaned to it). So work trough your feelings, get to the core to it and understand why you feel the way you feel.
I also made this zucchini choc bread for the drive wich was a 5/5.
I started listening to Big Magic during the drive( via audible) and I am deeply inspired. This is a must listen/ read for everyone.
My current light read is : A window opens.