I feel like my life ain’t mine.
Before any of you read this I want to emphasize that there are much worser things in life and I really try to be less of a sissy. Many people in my life have suffered immense loss so if you read this: I know this is not nearly as bad as anything you have ever experienced , I’m simply writing my feelings down here. You can really tell in situations like this, that Michael has experienced a tragic loss and not much can shake him. He told me a couple of days ago: „ Sarah, life goes on and on no matter what happens.“
Still… I can’t ignore my feelings and I’m currently feeling all the feels and because my blog is a therapist I don’t have to pay for I’m using this platform to spread a thick layer of my feelings on. You have been warned.
Let’s start with the worst thing that happened this year : We have some validation problems with our Uni and because of this my best friend, partner in crime, study buddy, personally chef and roommate „had“ to apply for a German university. She applied to the ones who are unlikely to take her but on halloween she got the message and we spent the night crying without getting real sleep. It’s weird what I’ve been feeling ever since. I would like to get drunk and dance at clubs to numb all of those feelings but since corona is even taking this option away (okay I can still get drunk but is it the same….?) I kind of have to deal with all of my feels.
I think you can kind of compare this to a break up I guess?( expect of the getting mad and never seeing each other again part). A person I love is moving out of our apartment (1000km away) and we probably will never live in the same city again - maybe a good book idea? IDK.
It’s hard to pinpoint my feelings but sometimes it feels like I’m carrying a ball of sadness inside myself which overtakes every corner of my being on some days. The world wears a thin coat of grey and my mind lost a few strokes of glitter. On other days I’m totally fine and toughened up…it’s really a rollercoaster. I feel like an unfinished chapter is ending and I will never know its end.
The apartment will feel so so much different without her and I’m sure some of the magic will be gone forever. I will hate to see a strangers face using the things you once used.
I don’t know who will join me for coffee dates, movie nights or the simple snuggle on bad days. I hate that I’m not ending this chapter with her together before entering the adult world. I can’t imagine life without seeing you everyday but it is how it is and there is nothing I can do about it.
So I guess I have to toughen up.
What also worries me: I spend important clinical years infront of my computer asking the doctor if he can hear me, I’m wasting some golden 20s time, I’m sometimes questioning everything, I have Weltschmerz because I’m scared for Mother Nature especially after this year and most of all : I really really want to have more time with my loved ones in Wroclaw before we all move over the world.